So, here is my final copy! It got me 3 A-'s, sure it's not an A+ but boy am I happy! Down the bottom of my story Iwill show you my teacher- Miss English's comments, but please feel free to leave feedback for me as I really love this genre and would appreciate any help and advice I can get! ENJOY THE STORY....!
The Missing Locket
It was a hot summer afternoon in Darwin, and all you could hear was the gentle splash of waves against the beach’s shore. At the far end of the beach lay two children, aged eleven and twelve. Hillary, a sweet blonde girl and Clark, a lofty bronzed boy. Both children had been best friends since they were in diapers.
Hillary was the youngest, and by far the most daring of the twosome. Where as Clark was a quiet, shy boy who looked up to his younger companion and trusted her with absolutely everything.
Earlier that morning, Hillary had received a 24 carat gold locket, as an early birthday gift from her father living in Ireland. She really wanted to show off her new locket, so she arranged to meet Clark on the beach that afternoon.
As Hillary played tag with Clark, her locket swung from side to side and glittered in the sunlight. As Hillary was pushed to the ground by Clark, the clasp around her neck loosened and her locket flew into the sea.
Hillary let out a distressed scream and sobbed, “My locket, it’s gone!”
After trying to calm Hillary down, Clark suggested that they search in the sea to see if they could catch a glimpse of Hillary’s valuable locket. Hillary was so happy to have a plan to follow that she absentmindedly let loose a sudden kiss on Clark’s cheek. The pair then set off armed with sticks and buckets ready for a long search ahead of them.
The search was thorough and went from one side of the beach to the other. But even after half an hour of searching through the sandy sea, nothing was retrieved. Hillary had promised her mother she would be home early, so she gave up searching and left Clark to carry on.
For another hour or so, Clark searched the waters over and over again, but he found nothing. Just as he was about to give up searching, a glimmer caught his eye! He turned his head slowly and kept his eyes glued onto the shining object. There it was Hillary’s locket!
It was caught in between two standard sized rocks, and it was within wading distance. Clark stripped off into his bathers again and slowly paddled out. The once warm water felt icy and cold against his skin, but Clark was not going to give up that easily. After all this was Hillary’s special locket. Soon enough the locket was within arms reach and just as he stood up to grab the locket, a razor sharp pain soared through his right foot.
Clark screamed in anguish, quickly grabbed the locket and swam to shore. When he came to shore and realised what he was holding he forgot all his pains and limped back to his house, excited about showing Hillary her locket.
***
Clark was feeling nauseous as he entered though the front door and went up to his room. As he had said nothing on his return, his mother was worried and arrived upstairs just in time to see Clark pass out.
Clark was rushed to the hospital and everything was silent; friends and family were waiting for the doctor. Eventually a large graying man stepped out of the emergency room and calmly explained to Clark’s parents that Clark had stepped on a stonefish and the poison had spread too quickly around his body, thus there was nothing they could do to save him.
Clark’s mother collapsed into her husband’s arms but Hillary ran straight into the room and gazed at Clark. She could not believe that he was gone. She looked over his limp body and noticed his hand clutching something to his chest; she opened each finger very gently to reveal what he was holding. She was shocked at what she saw; he was clutching her gold locket.
Ohhhh! How did you like that? Impressive eh? Well if not please leave your comments in the comment section! Just underneath this in the red, I am going to write down Miss Englsih's comments, so see if you agree or not!
Meghna, A well written short story that adhered to the elements.However, please bear in mind that your complication should have been introduced a little earlier. Unfortunately in a short story you do not have the oppertunity of a long, descriptive orientation. i would have also liked you to use a little more dialogue.So... what do you think about that? I pretty much agree! Later on I might put up the CORRECTED version!! Have a great day people!
